This is not put separately because my faith is a separate part of my life, to be taken out on Sundays, Christmas and Easter, and put away during the week. On the contrary I have chosen to address it separately specifically because it is such an important and integral part of my life and, as such, needs more than just a paragraph in the ‘Introduction’ to my life.

When did I begin to believe in God? I honestly don’t know. As far back as I can remember, I believed in Him, and prayed to Him. In retrospect, I see my search as a series of stepping stones, leading me to the point of recognition and commitment.

I remember my Dad saying prayers with us at night, when I was a small child. It made me feel warm and secure to know that there was a God ‘up there’ somewhere, who watched over us. At some point Dad took us to Church, but it was like going to school, and I did not enjoy it. I was also embarrassed because I didn’t have as many attendance stickers in my little ‘Sunday School’ book as the other children. I preferred the God I spoke to in the orange orchard to the stern God there seemed to be in Church.

When I was about nine years old, I found my Dad’s diary next to his bed. I read a few pages, and was surprised to find that most of the entries were written to God. In some, he asked God to strengthen and encourage him, but most of the entries directly involved us, his children, as he asked God to help him to be a good father, and look after and provide for us. The fact that he believed enough in God to actually write to Him, affected me deeply. Dad had to travel a lot in the work he did, so he employed live-in housekeepers to look after us. I missed him when he went away, and I began to pray that we would win the lottery so he could stay at home with us. As the years went by and we did not win the lottery, I felt it was either because I had done something wrong, or that for some reason my prayers were not reaching God.

I continued to pray, and searched for God by studying with many different groups with many different beliefs. Although what each group believed differed, they had one thing in common; each believed that their faith was the right one. Like a child being let loose in a candy shop and told to choose just one candy, my head reeled. I distanced myself from them all, while trying to make sure I covered everything when I prayed. I began my prayers by calling on ‘The Lord God Jehovah, our Father’, and ended them ‘I’m asking this in the name of Jesus Christ our Savior, and by the power of the Holy Spirit’ – but I still had a strange, empty ache inside.

My life went on, and was extremely eventful. I won’t go into general details here, as it would take too long, and it is outlined in my book, ‘Out of the Dark’. In 1973 I married Chris Caine, with whom I had gone to school as a child. Chris was my knight in shining armor; a good and fair man, and a solid presence within the chaos my life had become. From his military background (his father had been in the army), to the regimented discipline of a boy’s boarding school in Africa, and the career he had chosen in law, Chris had lived a stable and ordered life. We did not argue much, but one subject always fuelled emotions: religion. His grandfather was a Canon in the Anglican Church, and Chris had been raised in this denomination. He believed in God, but our churchgoing was confined to Christmas and Easter, with the odd service in between when we felt that we should go more often. Unfortunately, these visits often caused arguments. I watched the people chanting the liturgy with blank faces and, very judgmentally, I told Chris that I didn’t see any real joy in them. To me, they looked as though they were just going through the motions. And life went on…

In 1979, while living in England, a letter from a friend changed our lives. A couple of years previously, Angie and her husband, Rob, had stayed with us for a few days when they were visiting England. Angie and I had discussed religion, and how empty and hypocritical a lot of it seemed to be. In the letter she had now written, Angie was ecstatic. She referred to the conversation we’d had about religion, and told us she had ‘found the way’. She went on to say that we did not have to search for God in different religions or denominations, all we had to do was ask Him into our lives and we would be ‘born again’. The terms she used were unfamiliar to me, but Angie’s enthusiasm was contagious, and I was intrigued. She sounded positive and happy – and if she had truly ‘found the way’, then I needed to look into it. Having searched through the Yellow Pages, unsuccessfully, for a ‘Born Again’ Church, I noticed that one of the books Angie had sent had been written by the pastor of The Millmead Centre, in Guildford. I called the center, told them about Angie’s letter, and said I wanted to know more about what she was saying. The lady asked for my address, and then gave me a list of a few Churches in our area.

Sunday came, and Chris and I made our way to Purley Baptist Church – chosen because we did not have a car and it was the easiest to get to. The sermon was inspiring and the people sang joyously, as though they really were happy. I filled in the visitors card, saying that we would like someone to visit us and tell us more about God. Remembering the many groups with which I had studied in the past, Chris was a little apprehensive at this point. However, although he was content with the faith he had grown up with, he was also intrigued by Angie’s letter.

Someone from the Church called to set up an appointment, and Keith, George and Alison came to see us a few days later. We discussed the content of the letter, and they confirmed what Angie had said; That we were separated from God by our sin, but that Jesus had taken our punishment for us.

Sensing my uncertainty, Keith told me a story about a judge whose wayward son had broken the law. As a judge, he had to uphold the law and convict his son. As a father, his heart went out to his contrite son, as he knew he would not be able to pay the fine he had imposed. To demonstrate that he loved and forgave his son, the judge paid the fine himself. The son accepted his fathers’ gesture, and their relationship was restored.

In the same way, Keith went on, we could accept God’s plan of salvation through Jesus, and have our relationship with Him restored.

It sounded too easy, and I suddenly became apprehensive. What if they were wrong, and one of the other studies I had done were right? How could I know which ‘way’ was really right? I bombarded them with questions, listened to their answers, and then bombarded them with a series of ‘what if’s’.

As it grew late, Keith turned to me and said ‘You know, we could debate theology and different religions for days, but what you need is God’s understanding. Can we pray for this?’

A little suspiciously, I asked what good that would do if what they believed was not right.Keith replied, ‘You asked us to come here tonight because you are searching for God…’ I nodded and he continued ‘Well, I’m not going to pray for you to believe any of the things you’ve learned in the past, or even to believe what I believe. I’m going to pray that, as you pray for guidance and read the Bible, God will reveal His truth to you.’

As he made it clear that they were not trying to manipulate me into believing what they believed, I relaxed. Keith led Chris and me through a prayer of commitment to God. He left us with a Bible, and instructions to ask God for discernment and wisdom before reading it every night.

Beginning with the gospel of Mark, and going on to Acts and Romans, Chris and I prayed and read the Bible each night. I approached our bedtime Bible reading with curiosity tinged with anticipation. Would the content of a book I had found dry and boring during ‘Religious Education’ at school, really be changed by prayer? After just a few days, the answer came like rain on parched earth. I found that my anticipation turned to excitement. It was as though God was speaking directly to me through the Bible as I read verse after verse; ‘Come to me, all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest’, ‘Peace I leave with you, my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives, give I to you, let not your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful.’, ‘I will never leave you, nor forsake you.’ I soaked it in, realizing that the empty ache inside me had disappeared, and had been replaced by the deep reassurance that I had found the truth at last.

Over the years my faith has deepened, and is as important to my life as breathing. I pray constantly, and in many different ways; from quiet times of prayer and Bible study in the morning, to quick ‘thank you’s’ or ‘Ooops, I need help’ prayers as my day unfolds.

The fact that I had a major emotional breakdown is not a contradiction to my faith. God does not promise that Christians will never experience difficulties. He promises that He will be with us in them, always. So whenever the storms of life hit me, I remember that I am secured fast to the ‘anchor of my soul’, and ‘He will never leave me nor forsake me.’

I can’t remember ever not believing in God. I was always aware of Him in the majesty of sunset that painted the sky fire red; in the peace of the dawn; in the sound of the water flowing in a river in the African bush; in the power of a thunderstorm that lit up the heavens with lightning, emptying the clouds and leaving the sky clear blue and the earth fresh; and in the way it was all in perfect balance and harmony, from the earth and the sun and the moon and the stars, to the creatures that inhabited the earth.

In the ‘Introduction’ section of my website, under the heading ‘My Faith’, I outline my search for God and how I see it as a series of stepping stones that led me to the point of recognition and commitment.

The recognition and commitment was initially based on prayer and Bible study. However, I was blessed with a husband that, with his legal background and enquiring mind, wanted to dig deeper into the more tangible side of the God that the Bible presented, and Jesus in particular. Keith, who had visited us in response to a card I had filled in at Church, arranged for someone to come over and address some of the questions that Chris had. This man, whose name I, sadly, cannot recall, brought us a book called ‘More than a Carpenter’. Josh McDowell, the author of this book, considered himself an agnostic. He was so irritated by Christians on the campus of the university he was attending that he accepted a challenge by Christian students and professors to intellectually examine the claims of the Bible, and prove that they were wrong –specifically the claim that Jesus had been resurrected from the dead. To his surprise, his research convinced him that the Bible and its claims were true, and he became a Christian. His book, ‘More than a Carpenter’ outlines in a clear and concise way, the answers he found as he looked into the claims the Bible makes.

While I found the historical validation interesting, what fascinated me was most was Josh’s insight to Jesus’ resurrection, and the impact it had on the people who witnessed it. The disciples, who had traveled with Jesus for the three years of his ministry, were disillusioned and devastated at the cruel death of the man they had thought was the messiah. We are told in Matthew 26v56 that ‘…all the disciples deserted him and fled’. Peter, who had said he would never deny that he knew Jesus, denied him three times before the cock crowed – just as Jesus had foretold.

Yet just a few days after Jesus crucifixion, they openly and excitedly began preaching that Jesus was the Messiah, and that he had risen from the dead, just as he had said he would. Something obviously happened to change their lives.

Although they were beaten, imprisoned and threatened with death unless they stopped preaching about Jesus, the disciples continued preaching until all but one of them was put to death.

The only explanation for this radical change in their lives, is that they knew, absolutely beyond doubt, that what they were preaching was true.

In the chapter titled ‘Who Would Die for a lie?’ Josh McDowell takes the reader through the plot that Pilate and the chief priests and elders concocted; In Matthew 27 v 62–65 we read that, after being advised by the chief priests and the Pharisees that Jesus’ disciples may try to steal his body and tell people he had been raised from the dead, Pilate ensured that Jesus tomb was sealed and guarded.

When Jesus’ body disappears anyway (Matthew 28v11-15), the chief priests and elders gave the soldiers large sums of money to say that the disciples came during the night and took Jesus’ body while they were asleep. The soldiers did this.

This is where Josh McDowell’s logical reasoning fascinated me and built up my faith. Just imagine that you are one of Jesus disciples, meeting with the others after Jesus death. You are all devastated by the events of the day. You are shocked, confused, humiliated and embarrassed that the man you had given up your livelihood for, and followed for three years as his elite group, had been publicly beaten and crucified.

Given this scenario, which of the following would be more probable:

SCENARIO ONE

You are shocked, confused, humiliated and embarrassed that the man you had given up your livelihood for, and followed for three years as his elite group, had been publicly beaten and crucified so…

You and the other disciples decide to concoct a plan of your own. To avoid further humiliation, you roll the huge stone away from the mouth of the tomb (and manage to do this so silently that none of the guards wake up) and steal Jesus body. Then you all claim that he has risen from the dead. To make sure that people believe you, all of you then spend the rest of your lives preaching this. During this time you, and the people who believe you, are imprisoned, tortured, and killed in horrific ways (early Christians were put to death by the sword, crucified, fed to lions in the Coliseum games, and set on fire as living torches to light banquets). In all this time, none of you breaks down and decides that enough is enough. You all suffer for the rest of your lives until, one by one, you are put to death – all for something you know is a lie.

OR

SCENARIO TWO

You are shocked, confused, humiliated and embarrassed that the man you had given up your livelihood for, and followed for three years as his elite group, had been publicly beaten and crucified so…

You gather together in stunned fear. Three days later one of the women in your group, who had gone to Jesus tomb, comes rushing back to say that the tomb is empty. You go to the tomb and confirm this, then go back home. Then the woman comes back again, and excitedly tells you that Jesus is alive and she has spoken to him. As you and the other disciples gather together, Jesus joins you. You see the wounds from his crucifixion. You know it is him, and that everything he told you is true. This knowledge gives you the confidence to preach the message of salvation he has given you, even in the face of incredible hardship, persecution and, finally, death.

Think about which of the two scenarios is more probable. Would you suffer and die if you knew you would be left in peace if you just admitted it was a lie?

When the disciples continued teaching about Jesus after being ordered not to, they were brought to the Sanhedrin (this is the full assembly of the elders of Israel) to be questioned by the high priest. When the high priest asked them why they would not stop talking about Jesus, the disciples stated that they continued preaching because needed to obey God rather than men. The high priest and his associates were furious, and wanted them put to death. At this point a Pharisee named Gamaliel, who was a teacher of the law and was respected by all the people, asked for the disciples to be put outside while he addressed the Sanhedrin. He then proceeded to say that men had come in the past, claiming to be ‘somebody’, but their movements had eventually come to nothing. He advised the Sanhedrin to let the disciples go, saying that if what they preached was of human origin it would fail, but if it was from God, then it would not be able to be stopped and in trying to stop it, they (the Sanhedrin) would find themselves fighting against God.

Looking at it logically, why did Jesus make such an impact? Why does he still make an impact today? He was raised in a modest family, and worked as a carpenter before he began preaching. Although he traveled around as he preached for three years before being put to death, he never traveled more than 200 miles from his birthplace. Before and since Jesus, preachers have come and gone without being remembered for long. Yet every time we write the date, we acknowledge the fact that he was born and changed history.

I believe it is because, as Gamaliel said all those years ago, ‘if what the disciples are teaching is from God, it will not be able to be stopped’ – and it is still true today.

www.josh.org – The ministry and teaching of Josh McDowell. I recommend, as a beginning, that you click on the ‘apologetics’ navigation bar, and then click on ‘Are you a Sceptic?

www.bethmoore.org – Beth Moore is a gifted teacher, and I have personally benefited from her Bible studies. I highly recommend her book ‘Breaking Free’ – look it up on her site!

www.leadingtheway.org – The ministry and teaching of Dr. Michael Youseff